Saturday, 3 December 2022

Nobody is going to help me (a follow-up to "A desperate cry for help")

Note: this was written in reply to a specific Patreon supporter who was describing his own (ongoing) projects in life —projects that are partly inspired by my philosophy and are partly (of course) his own thing.  However, it works as a generalized statement so well that I can share it here without changing much of anything.


Look, here's my experience in life:

(1) Nobody cares about me.

(2) Nobody is going to help me.

(3) Nobody ever tries to impress me.

(4) No matter how low my expectations are, everyone lets me down —like, people are constantly turning out to be WORSE than I could have EVER IMAGINED them being.

Yes, this includes people very close to me (my parents, my brothers, the various women who have been my lovers, etc.) but it also includes more distant relationships you've seen on youtube.


Did I ever expect "Faraday Speaks" (a.k.a. Caleb Cain) would turn out the way he did?  I believe he has now deleted every trace of himself (from youtube, etc.) that he has the ability to delete (but videos interviewing him on other people's channels still remain).

Did I ever expect ModVegan would turn out the way she did?  (Again, she's deleted everything, etc.)

I could attempt to make a list of people I've known in humanitarian work, in studying Chinese, [in ecological politics, in Buddhist scholarship, in First Nations politics,] etc. etc. —but there's no point.

This is my experience.

And this disappointment is not limited to intellectual matters, it's not limited to political matters, and it's not limited to creative endeavors (like trying to get a storybook illustrated and published, etc., or trying to get someone to co-operate with me in making a youtube video, etc.)…

…dude, when I had a newborn baby in my arms, and I sent photographs of myself holding that newborn baby (as an e-mail attachment) to all my friends, colleagues, and relatives, what do you think I heard back?  NOTHING.  When I celebrated my 40th birthday, my 41st birthday, etc. etc., what effort did anyone make to show that they cared about me?  Who tried to surprise me or impress me?  And yeah, I could here specify NOT EVEN the people whom I've done tremendously caring and surprising things for (on their birthdays, or on other, similar occasions) made any kind of "reciprocal" effort.

Dude, that's my experience in life: I don't have any university professors to look up to, and I don't have any contemporaries or colleagues to look sideways at, as my equals.

Yeah, maybe it turns out you're gonna be the first exception to the rule, and your boasting IS NOT BULLSHIT: maybe you're really gonna accomplish something great.  It's very hard for me to be optimistic, just given my experience in the last 8 years, let alone the last 40 years.

Dude, how many people have made a youtube video in response to either one of my books?  We could add "podcast", etc., as it isn't just youtube videos that count.  AFAIK, the grand total = 1.  Think about how little effort that kind of video is, compared to other forms of collaboration.  And now think about how many videos you've seen on my channel in the last five years that anyone else contributed anything positive to, that anyone else collaborated in the creation of, in any way whatsoever.

Dude, I reached out FOR ANYONE to collaborate with me in studying Chinese FOR YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS —including the years when I was in Taiwan and Yunnan (and years in Victoria in-between).  You wanna know how much positivity I got back?  ZERO.  Just women who wanted to have sex with me —white women (studying Chinese) just as much as Chinese women, I should add.

Money, fame, power, respect, sex —not necessarily in that order.  And the sad fact is, that so few people are even motivated by these things.  Most people are so intellectually inert, they can't be motivated at all.

[Link 1 of 2:] A desperate cry for help.

[Link 2 of 2:] You are too stupid to watch this video (you're too stupid to help me)